This post will be an entirely different entry in the sense, that it won’t be pretaining to the existence of God, Atheism or Theism etc. . It’s a rare occasion but there is something that has been a mental burden on me for the last few weeks and I want to use this as a venue to hopefully let it out. That is my goal within this post: Letting it out.
In this post I want to share a little bit of my personal life with you, specifically the darkest period of it, that started 6 years ago (I am writing this in 2017) and lasted for about 2 1/2 years.
So what happened 6 years ago? The biggest tragedy of my entire life so far happened. I remember every detail: It was the 23rd of June and at 20: 49 the phone rang. My Dad took the call and the doctors told him, that my mother just died of cancer and with it a big part of myself. When my Dad told me the news that I already knew it was like time stood still and the world turned grey. It’s indescribable what I felt in that moment but it was the biggest pain I felt in my life.
Additionally it was also part of the local news, since my Mom was a judge and pretty damn good at her job so basically everyone around me knew what was up, which didn’t help either.
This sent my life into a tailspin and while the pain eventually did disappear though not completely, the world remained grey. It wasn’t so much that I changed socially, I still had friends who cared about me, I still was a nice guy, but it did change me inside. It did change me mentally. I was depressed and I was down and I didn’t really care about anything. I just lived. No goals in mind, no future dreams, just waking up going to school, eating, going to sleep and on the weekends meeting up with friends. It sounds like the average life but I was plain empty. I was an empty lifeless demon.
This of course also took a toll on my grades. While I wasn’t in any danger of failing through 8th and 9th grade my grades did go down but I did just enough to slip by. I was a smart guy and I knew exactly what minimum I had to do to slip by. My Dad was in his phase as well, so he was contend as long as I was good enough to advance.
In 10th grade then was the point when it all broke down. My tactic didn’t work anymore. Try as I might, nothing seemed to work. With every additional F I got, I became more and more depressed, the world turned darker and darker by the day. The “demon” inside of me, this feeling of depression grew stronger and stronger by the day and I admit, that at one point I thought he had won.
Then I decided that I have to get myself out of this mess. If I were to ever look in the mirror again and not feel ashamed I needed to fight back. I needed help. In hindsight I should’ve gotten Psychological help, but I didn’t. I got myself a tutor and with that help I got myself out of my situation professionaly as well as personally. I concentrated on school and I became the hardest worker in the room. I had just found my goals and my reason. I was determined to make it, I was determined to earn a proud look in the mirror and at the end of the schoolyear, after I came back from 3 Fs and 2 -Ds I healed myself mentally by showing myself that I can do it. By motivating myself. I got out of it and I beat the demon. The world was grey no longer and while I of course do still miss Mom. and while it still hurts it never became grey again (or at least not as grey as it was in that period).
I’m sorry if I somehow troubled you or you didn’t like it but I really needed to let this out. This is hopefully one of those rare articles, that was more for myself.
Goodbye from yours truly,
Rene von Boenninghausen @Renevelation